freezing over hell

on a shaky afternoon

2012-02-04T14:50:00.001+10:30

got that reverse jet lag
that heart skip and jump
it says we're all out of luck
we're all out of luck
but lucy in the corner is down to fuck
rolling your name off her tongue
it makes you come undone
makes you come undone
so the ice breaks and you take the plunge
tell her youre unstable
you hate the home from which youve come
she knows how far youve run
how far youve run
so she'll take you home and treat you right
tells you youre worth love
and youve got that light
the rest of your life is gonna be bright
the rest of your life is gonna be bright

what kisses and punches have in common is that they are points of contact.

2012-01-24T22:39:00.001+10:30

and i suppose, that one can never take them back. whenever you kiss me, in the midst of horrific dreams, i am always angry. hot-mouthed and hot-tempered. thinking only with my skin. i was known for it, once. i left that trait behind in a version of myself abandoned on a lonely island with the others. the same place this self is destined to in an hour, a day, a month, a years time. an unknown time, but i feel the familiar stirring in my blood that says "soon". i tell myself "all will be well" in the same way you tell a child that their pet has gone to a better place. in the same way my friends call but all i can hear is them barking. better and easier so often seem like the same thing that i am always getting them confused. forgive me if i choose badly; the paths ahead are so hazy and its been such a long time since ive walked ground well-lit. sent a letter to all the pretty strangers: "either bring a torch or a flask". but everything i am and do is always too much or not enough, so i dont expect them to actually show up to this pity party. god knows i am better in dire straits than home taking time off like everyone else. flash, give me drama. give me malice. how i think about you: when you dont realise youre holding your breath til youre almost out.

i am just trying to find points of contact.

home again, home again

2012-01-24T02:58:00.000+10:30

veins stirred full of champagne blood. as usual, i am up too late searching for faith in all the wrong places. if i had the words to give you, i would, i swear to god, i would. i am just sick to death of being awake. i hate to love to be special. i love to hate to be special. dont hold me to your rules; i can barely understand them. my head is wrecked on thoughts, just waiting to wash up on some sunny shore where you can have my heart only if you put whisky in my tea.

ive yet to find a way to describe this: how i am both so passionately curious and terribly afraid of anything human.

christ. i just need sleep.

dark-haired and steely-eyed

2012-01-21T23:21:00.000+10:30

the thing about being distant is that by default you cant explain to anybody why youve been so distant.

kiss me electric

2012-01-14T08:17:00.003+10:30

writing is easier in these earlier am's. decidedly less than fresh from hours of broken sleep, pounding coffee like free drinks at the red eye in st kilda. the tiny hours before work are a gift. if you have ever woken up into an empty house, tired and alone, you understand. there is a silent peace to it. i am loathe to give it up again.

i dream more vividly here, everything more in focus. last night the whole world was about to end but it didnt mean a thing when we discovered that your arm fit around my shoulders exactly right. and the cut of your form as i watch you work the room says i am safe. some people find security in money, in love, in possessions, in faith. i am still searching.

there are diamonds woven under my skin

2012-01-07T11:54:00.002+10:30

"this is no bridget jones"

2011-12-25T23:38:00.000+10:30

this is the summer of blood
i dream your body washed up on the sand
your sneakers in my hallway
vodka with a vodka chaser
who do i even know that orders drinks with mixers?
at the end of the day it is just you:
designed
a heart among spades
i can wait

i dyed my hair and i moved away but it didnt change a single thing where it counts. what do you think that means?

ps. though this is not the right tone at all - merry christmas.

i am all in on whatever you let slip between your teeth.

2011-12-23T12:50:00.001+10:30

but dont blame me if i fold on your hearts.

whrisky business

2011-11-24T22:08:00.002+10:30

"i'm bad for you"

said the coal mine to the canary

do you think he ever listened?

was i always this petty?

2011-11-21T22:21:00.001+10:30

"they loved me first"

i've been writing about the future in a sort of kind of way

2011-11-19T21:16:00.001+10:30

Just because he was handsome and from London didn't mean he meant anything to me. Only at the time it meant everything because I was a wine-drenched wreck of a human being. The kind who was scraping a few hours of sleep from her bed every night and kept a copy of Bridget Jones's Diary on her coffee table. Like that's really a coffee table book. God knows what I was thinking. Actually, I doubt he knew either. What I am saying here is that I didn't care about him because of anything to do with him; I cared about him because at the time, Bridget Jones's Diary was my coffee table book.

you win some you lose some

2011-10-28T00:19:00.001+10:30

the only thing worse than having nothing to write about is having too much. my head might crack open soon; i'll let you sell the toxins that swim out. thank god for sleepless nights. the good dreams get to me more than the bad ones these days. they shake me more. i have years of experience at being a mess up. and being happy is intimidating when you dont remember how. amateur league. i cant count cards i never count drinks and i am against counting sheep. sue me.

summing up: the only thing worse than having the most painful year of your life is thinking you did then realising that was years ago and this is "better off".

the humans in my television

2011-10-17T00:13:00.000+10:30

i know them so much better than i know you

hearts desire

soul intention

i remember being made of steel, like them

then her nightmares

slipped into my head

i havent been the same since

you can waste all of your time

2011-10-14T19:41:00.001+10:30

but dont you dare waste a second of mine.

life on mars

2011-10-08T01:33:00.000+10:30

i feel older than i have ever felt. life has been folded into the scars on my skin. love in the crook of my neck and the twist of my smile. i have been appreciated. i have been noticed. i have been loved. too much. i didnt deserve it. i still dont. your faith in me is misplaced but i will still get high off the fumes of it.

off topic - "if you could walk in my dreams" i said to him once. he just laughed at me and said "you think i dont already?". he lies even more than i do. i only like that even the ugliest shade of lipstick looks good when stolen from my lips by his cheek.

robert frost knows best.

2011-10-05T00:15:00.000+10:30

this is how i know myself: almost twenty with a heavy head and creaky bones. restless, sleepless. i do laundry, i make coffee, i slam beers. i have no idea why. what for. who for. coffee dates to make and pills to take. my mind aches trying to give myself meaning. perhaps there is none.

codeine machine

2011-09-17T22:36:00.000+09:30

a boy asked me out for the millionth time yesterday. i am not sure how to stop being emotionally shut-off. so i went to a bar and let a good friend buy me vodka and coke but it didnt make me feel any better. so then i got up the next day and had some of my hair cut off and that made me feel a little better but not any more like a human. the bad days are hard, and usually all in a row. i forget how to laugh at anything but the pup and emails from my best friend who is a million miles away. my head is tired and hazy even when i can sleep. and when i can sleep i dream of bullets.

i am going to reinvent myself so much better the next time.

delirious life

2011-09-12T00:20:00.001+09:30

i think the mood swings bother them a lot more than they bother me. i suppose i am better accustomed to them. they feel like old friends. they want to eat me alive - i like it.

but wide awake in this bed i think nighttime could swallow me whole.

"you and me have felt impotent in our skin"

2011-09-08T00:46:00.000+09:30

all the blood pours out of me. all the heat. all the light. i am dark and cold and empty. stretched too thin, in too many directions. my pulse barely whispers to fingers pressed against my throat. but i have finally gone live. its electric. it pulls everything inside me out and represses it at the same time. mixed signals. barely running on fumes, and i am not just talking sleep. patience. control. my fuse has always been short and i have always run myself into the ground. it feels different this time. i cannot describe it.

i want to go lie on the beach and let the rain melt me into the sand.

there is a lot to be said for being a solitary human.

2011-09-02T01:07:00.000+09:30

gonna fly east for the summer
or maybe just forever
long enough to fill my bloodstream with something pretty
long enough to work my mouth around something witty
you know me - all evidence to the contrary
soul sinking my heart walks the plank
beating a staccato
pouring warm copper from the bitten inside cheek
flashing false grins of crimson teeth
"full of stitches, full of glitches"
every star youre wishing on has already burned out
everything you ever loved went south
and after all, that was all it was ever about
like you could keep me
worse - sort me out
this head full of space junk
these nerves wound tight up

and when the votes comes in every cell in my body will either disappear or explode.

comin' home

2011-08-13T10:23:00.000+09:30

the things i want to write about are too complicated and painful to even get out. there is a hurricane inside me - it wants to destroy the world. but i know tea is the solution to everything. the selfish defence of the cynic: if god existed he would make the planet stop for me.

people gravitate to what they want without even realising it. i do not gravitate towards anything.

sometimes i think seneca was right about emotion.

2011-08-05T00:00:00.000+09:30

blow smoke, they say. i know i am rusty on the outside but inside i am sure i am good. yet i think his and hers more often than usual lately. the exhaustion runs my emotions thinner than ever. i am stretched. wrung out. exsanguinated. love me in increments, i dont care. anything to keep my mind off all the upheaval. remember when i used to run hot? i cant remember the last time something got through the ice on my bones. the disease in me has me noticing every minute detail of your movements. and how to match them. i hate to sleep alone, but "are you coming to bed?" is the most loaded question to ever exist.

lets face it, im the type to sleep with a gun.

just in case any of you still read this (though i have my doubts):

2011-08-02T22:20:00.000+09:30

she said it was like pulling teeth. im not sure if she meant getting a hold of you or if she meant getting you to care. but she (and i) are done pulling teeth.

white knuckling it

2011-07-30T21:46:00.001+09:30

waking up with another human being is the strangest thing in the world. let me never be vulnerable. let the armour be sewn into my skin. its not that i dont trust you, its just that putting down your sword is asking someone else to pick theirs up. and i refuse to be caught unarmed. yet draped across his back i understand why people gravitate towards one another. rubbing my feet on yours to get to sleep or to wake up, i am beyond telling, but i know this is more important than a pay cheque or a degree. "in greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces. fearing their power, zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves."

i need sleep.

carpathia.

2011-07-27T00:16:00.000+09:30

winter shows off the scars on my knuckles like trophies made in the summer. they are slight but they will get worse. the inevitable truths of a repeat offender. i am not sure if she is avoiding me but i am surely avoiding her. we both know that distancing is the most obvious play in the book of self-preservation. and i was always such a professional with these things. despite the efforts it manifests itself in pacing this room violently awake at all hours. in LV beneath my eyes and zero attention span.

surely, surely, i am at my best when i am at my worst.

"youre dangerous" "yeah im fuckin dangerous"

2011-07-23T00:48:00.000+09:30

i was not built for this world

send me back to chainmail and a sword in my hand

send me back to heroes and spilling blood

i feel it beating under my skin like a drum

cuts and bruises and kneeling

rituals and honour

sweat and tears

honestly i could not be with anyone who wouldnt fight with me

for me

just ask for my favour and you'll have it

a bellator destined for a body bag

whatever happens please god let me go out with a bang

wetworks

2011-07-21T23:47:00.000+09:30

sleepless again i remember lives i never lived
hung up on people that dont exist
making futile wishes:
please break me into a bellator
please love me into a human being
just another gunslinger out of bullets
guts dropping lines your heart cant handle
i knew it was worth the battle
when you were kneeling before me in your armour
said to myself:
lets just pack up and leave
let me move to a one starbucks town
and scream all the life inside me out

mercury eyes weighed down tonight.

2011-07-19T01:38:00.000+09:30

trying to be honest with how i am feeling is a lot like pulling teeth. here is some of the blood i spat in the last three months. good night.

love and affection

2011-07-10T04:36:00.000+09:30

setting myself up for chemically-induced love
all these designer drugs
swimming under my skin
like everyone, i would do anything to feel thin
including get fucked up
pill-misery guts
even when youre not taking youre taking
even when youre not faking your faking
that sway in your hips
that frown on your lips
50-50
cant remember full mental capacity

and i swear to fucking god if i keep seeing you everywhere i turn i am going to lose what grip i have left entirely.

god is in the chemical balance of humans

2011-07-09T21:16:00.003+09:30

damn the way you look when you sweat has to be a sin. god on speed-dial for my complaints. there are certain people in life with which it is never over. you can spit on each other or bleed together or not even speak two words to one another but there is something underneath that never disappears.

skin and bones

2011-06-27T22:00:00.002+09:30

head split. you unreliable narrator you. mind clocking overtime youre not getting paid for. thinking fuck the inbetweens. let me fast forward to something better than this. let me fast forward to my last first kiss. they dont give you an instruction manual for any of this. just because you made that bed doesnt mean im going to lay in it with you. they know i can't help but be rough around the edges. ive been trying to even out truly. too busy falling out of bed and stuttering and just generally making a fool of myself. but you know me in the way i would try to get into heaven on points for effort. i am acutely aware that only a few pieces of coal get to be diamonds someday. but statistics say i still have a chance to shine with you.

in spite of all this there is one thing i am sure of: people only care about love because everyone is always pissing all over it.

"youve still got it im just keeping an eye"

2011-06-22T01:49:00.000+09:30

half-asleep, thoughts rolling back in your head. let the REM take over baby. there is a sickness inside you working its way out. wake up, locked hips and knees. "im gonna beat it out of you" "id like to see you try". pray for close calls. pray for in ten years time. pray for reason. can i get to sprawled across the couch laughter running up my spine and out my mouth. can i get to all these words having purpose. can i get to sword fights and slamming backs into walls. can i get to fingers trailing a zip up my spine. can i get to the same fingers trailing the same zip back down. a long night and a fist fight and a glass of scotch. "seriously?!" "seriously?" "seriously!" bad jokes, jumping out windows. seeing the same people with new eyes. goodnight at the doorstep. "do you trust me?" "with my life". getting stitched up. differences of opinion. strange mannerisms. undertones. the walk of shame. hands at the small of backs. relief from the constant fight or flight reaction. pleasantly buzzed at the back of the bar. blood dripping down your chin. veins on fire. "have a little faith" "youre not thinking straight". hands crushing each other under the table. everything looks better in the morning. trick lighting. "i am what all the other monsters are scared of" "you dont scare me at all".

she was a siha if there ever was one

2011-06-13T03:53:00.002+09:30

the scarf boutique

2011-06-10T23:39:00.001+09:30

i want to be the centre of it all
the lead action figure in a set of collect-em-alls

i want to look into my future

i want to remember my past

a pulse rush
her blood flush
sometimes drunk
shes always sunk
going down in history
eyes wide and brighter than anything ive ever seen
in love with the reds and blues
stomach sick
life choices on a gut instinct
she wears agony like alexander mcqueen made it
and damn if she cant pull it off
put everything on lite
raise your hopes up high
i will crush them
i will love them all black

she told me: "sure, ive been a warrior. but ive been a victim too." and i just didnt know what to say to that.

would you salt the garden of eden if god told you to?

2011-06-08T01:43:00.001+09:30

lighthouse.

2011-06-07T00:13:00.000+09:30

charcoal eyes
she burns hot
he burns hotter
anatomically perfect
pretty only when catatonic
when we look back we are only ever echoes of our former selves
coming forwards to:
ive been raising
you're going to
i am only interested in the noises being drowned out
mercury eyes that told me everything
and that sound you make in the back of your throat when i say something and youre thinking "really?"
that was true fucking love
i am going to sleep my way back to you

lets face it -

2011-06-01T23:45:00.000+09:30

the only thing im ever gonna give you is hell, honey.

the lady has shark teeth.

2011-05-30T14:32:00.002+09:30

the gentleman has a silver spine. i want to carve it out just to give him a scar from me. crazy just under my skin. stirring up hell. or maybe crawling out of it. flirting with the everyday. what attracts me to people is usually what makes me draw away from them. empty headlights. i have no magic insights. just old light beamed out a million years ago. i will shine for you any time.

sea robbers.

2011-05-28T21:24:00.002+09:30

when he's not looking she's sneaking gin. vice versa. they have jamais vu up the wall. they might not be gold but the rings under her eyes came from him. vice versa. they are give and take. slipping poison back and forth from one another. there needs to be an equilibrium somewhere. when that seems too far they just pray they will die together. when that seems too far they play russian roulette every other night.

on a distant planet i am sipping coffee from paper cups, coat collar turned up to combat the winter chill. the sound of my boots is amplified in my ears. and i come home to an empty house. step out of my clothes into a shower that does its best to erase the cold from my bones, in vain. ordinary. possessed. obsessive and scattered. whatever it is that you want from me - you cant have it.

2011-05-28T02:24:00.000+09:30

i have hollow bird bones at night. they feel as though they might snap under the right kind of pressure. your hand on my arm, begging me not to go. the drunken grind, hips splintering. back breaking as you shove me up against the door. thoughts crystallise; shatter. i was built for fiction not friction. i am yet to be thin enough. i am yet to be pretty enough. and only/never in the constant beat of the shower on my shoulders do i feel like i might be getting somewhere after all.

"i cast a spell over the west to make you think of me"

2011-05-24T21:28:00.000+09:30

you have siphoned the excitement from my blood
you have leeched the wonder from my bones
green gremlin
angry only because you are
the sugar-free low-carb version of me
adulterated
the end of the ocean lapping at your feet
i think of you the same way i think of robert frost's fire and ice
and the day he's going to tell me:
"you win some
you lose some
i think you just lost one"
i am sick of the words in my head
you can have them all
the rest is free
they're gonna set you free

"it would take more than falling off a cliff to keep me from you"

2011-05-21T20:59:00.001+09:30

and that is all i ever really needed to hear.

i am obsessed with the interconnectedness of everything.

2011-05-17T22:43:00.000+09:30

i like blown pupils and that one snow patrol song about being in love. the way tea tastes good even after ive brushed my teeth. veralidaine sarrasri. colours - red hair and purple teeth. the way your eyes turn a darker shade of green when they are on me. my imagination. juxtaposing. carson mccullers' the ballad of the sad cafe. dragonball z abridged (i cant abide crass language anywhere else). who's next by the who. champagne glasses.

pull together. show me your teeth.

you know if orpheus really loved eurydice he would have just died to be with her.

2011-05-17T19:29:00.002+09:30

if all else fails, run with the world
come on, civilise me
im just an animal with a credit card
just a promise to a body bag
send in prometheus
hell,
take me to olympus
i will blow your ideals out of the water
i will deep six your heart
and at night all i ever cared about was eyes wider than mine.

"love is like a dog. if its laying its best to let it sleep"

2011-05-17T19:00:00.001+09:30

my skin is surely growing thin
making space to rent underneath
lime-lite turning your teeth green
its kind of funny
how his psyche is a murder scene
he says:
"id rather take pills than advice
id rather get drunk and blow point nines"
so now he's got a head full of glass chips
got a mouth that youre gonna miss
taking the words out of
"youre killing yourself you know"
"at least im in control"

whatever you think i am - im not.

2011-05-15T02:08:00.000+09:30

praying to this mess in my head

2011-05-15T01:08:00.001+09:30

all i ever wanted was the end game
all i ever wanted was your last name
put me to sleep
put me on fast forward
i dont care what it is, just prescribe me something for it
i remember true feelings like the fading headlights of a slowing car
in the rearview
cold and distant too
still not sure that i miss you
even knights take off their armour
even samurais put down their swords
i can smell the blood under your skin
i can feel the beating of your heart
crazy doesnt even start
it just blows out smoke like a cigarette to the lips of life
inhalation and exhalation
i have the talk and he has the walk
i am going to chase you til the day i die.

"i'd arrest you if i had handcuffs, i'd arrest you if i had the time"

2011-05-06T22:05:00.004+09:30

fuck sleeping
fuck the maybe-broken-maybe-not-broken bones in my foot
i want to shoot up on life or maybe on death
a firecracker that sometimes just wont light, let alone explode
another let down - the story of your life
too aware of the emptiness of your hips
stuck on the words dying on your lips
i look good blowing smoke from behind my teeth but once its gone youve just got me
trigger happy
acid washed out
i am yet to scream everything inside me out
but

there is something in the water
there is something in my blood
i dont know just what it is
i only know that its not love

woke up mid-REM sleep of a scotch-burned mouth on mine.

2011-05-04T06:42:00.002+09:30

how can you tell wedding bells from a death knell?

we're still holding our breath to death, sammy.

2011-05-02T21:37:00.000+09:30

i am homesick even when i am home. still stuck on that time we waited til my parents were out and i snuck you into my bedroom. every moment of my life has been like that since then. cold and sneaky. people trying to take my clothes off. trying to take my skin off. or maybe not at all. but i remember when you looked at me just once and all the blood ran out of me. it takes me back and i remember i was always a gypsy. leaving or being left behind. all curses and no gold. just bloodhounds on a choke-chain. in love with the victim culture. turn off the lights and what happens in the dark stays in the dark. ive got the antidote to boys like you, ive got a knife and a shotgun too. all this chemistry just a series of synapses, literal chemistry. swimming in our veins and shining in our eyes. puppy love with all our teeth gleaming in the moonlight of late night trysts. my bed has felt like a coffin ever since. just another terminal case of the blues she takes the reds for. i want to converse through cigarette smoke in the falling snow if only because cigarettes make everyone i know sick.

who ever said fuck marry kill was a series of options and not a natural progression?

notes from sleep

2011-04-26T00:48:00.002+09:30

bedroom corps-a-corps
half-masted mercury eyes
wake me up in a thousand years
put me to sleep on a bed of lies
crickets keeping me up at night
words itching at my spine
use me like a drug
all crushed up
designed to get you all fucked up
head heavy on my pillow
and i know he gets me just right

2011-04-21T03:06:00.000+09:30

playing dead under osiris's watchful eye

gonna blow up the world on day

gonna show em all one day

still waiting on that last phone call

always just a voice mail away

to the wrong person on the other end

you're just a greenstick fracture on the bones of my life

i'll heal alright

except for those rounds in my chest

your aim was never the best

too busy with shaking hands and uneven breaths

bedroom tactics in real life

just flicked on a light

and went live

every battery runs out

every well goes dry

always by the skin of our teeth, by the tips of our fingers

it ends in blowing dust off collarbones

in the inbetweens

we might as well have our names in the magazines

we shoot new rounds from

signing the bullets off with our fake autographs

i am going to forget each and everyone of you some day

the archers bows have most definitely broken.

2011-04-17T21:28:00.002+09:30

i want to meet you in heaven so we can break into hell. you know i would take my lockpicks over your skeleton key any day of the week. and sure i owe the universe some blood but who doesnt. theres something sick about fighting so hard and never knowing whether you won or lost. gypped by god. abandoned by hope. i search for faith in deep breaths before a flickering candle. i want to crawl inside somebody elses skin, i need to tear my way in. my only prayer to god - may i always live in sin.

victims.

2011-04-15T16:24:00.000+09:30

arent we all. longing for a cool change. the moon waxes and wanes and i am taking up meditation again. god bless this mess in my head. i am all sandalwood incense and breathing technique. patiently waiting for summer to die yet again. winter, the rain and i are old friends. you looked better when i was younger but everyone did then. cell degeneration. re-wired generation. we're anachronistic, i know, but we'll make it. by the edge of our fingertips, by the skin of our teeth. just sharks destined to swim forever, going nowhere. sweet apples with rotten cores. let me bathe in champagne. gonna break into heaven one of these days. talk about gut instinct - there are a million people in my head and none of them like you.

i want to come back to life but im so busy freezing over hell you see.

2011-04-10T21:56:00.000+09:30

viole(n)t veins. my white blood cells and i are on bad terms. i think theyre in cahoots with my insomnia, i really do. woke up at 4am and realised i have no idea what im doing, at all. i have been lost before. i have had an identity crisis before. i have never had both at the same time. everyone is getting married or sleeping next to somebody; everyone is taking career steps or already knows where theyre going; everyone is talking to everyone. i am sleeping alone and doing nothing and going nowhere and talking to myself. i have been often loved but rarely liked. this weighs heavy on my conscience. my dreams are filled with unfamiliar faces and this scares me more than usual. i dont know for which i am praying harder - fresh wounds, or someone to patch the old ones up.

bloom, or die.

the pause button has my fingerprints on it

2011-04-09T03:15:00.000+09:30

watching friendships and "true love" and life choices
ever the voyeur
acutely aware of every cell in my body calling quits
my pulse was pounding so hard against my fingertips tonight
like all the blood might just run right out of me
anyway i am always bleeding out from last nights wounds
got nothing left in me but bad jokes and long nights.
always needed an instruction manual for day to day life
he is a constant in my head always muttering:
i was lost but now im lost
crack the shutters on repeat
just like everyone else - always thought i might be worth the trouble
evidence to the contrary
the judge and jury condemn me over and over
and after all this time i am just the canary in the coal mine
waiting to die

"i would love you if you were a plumber."

2011-04-05T21:53:00.000+09:30

pulling hope from nowhere. reserves are low on everything they want - booze, faith, love. how many times can you try to get your head on straight before you get to quit trying.

im finally going crazy and thats just fine.

as always, damn how "erratic" i am.

2011-04-03T20:40:00.000+09:30

strung out on ________

i must be a vampire the way i can smell the blood pounding under your skin lately

or just a hot mess

old souls swimming in the fish bowl etc

stuck in april mourning yet again

trying to pull out of the bronze age of my life

i cant tell the difference between stars and black holes

i am all stomach acid and bad news

reminiscing days of lion-hearts and the ruse

we are too sentient for our own good

getting swallowed up by each other by the world

these wires are jacked and your signals not getting through

said always with a hand to my ribs

bones shaking to dust

skin turning to rust

one day even the tin man fell in love

she says we're sid and nancy 2.0 maybe only i know i wrote them so many years ago and so often since then that they are bigger and brighter than us. they are twenty-twenty. they are sid and nancy 2.0.

but yes we are definitely alpha wolves.

the moth dont care if the flame burns low cause moth believes in an afterglow

2011-03-29T00:40:00.000+10:30

head sunk like a ship

full of treasure chests full of bad ideas full of people who dont exist

thinking in "for better or worse"

dreaming of choosing which his and hers sink to throw up in

coming home always makes you realise how youve changed

like how my dog looked smaller with my sneakers still covered in red dust

how the planet spun me from then to now

bill defined

debt confined

burned out in 9 to 5

though all these vampire hours are fresh in my mind

i can only remember my hands in fists

i can only remember my tongue in twists

big world

small girl

"pinpricks become blackholes and i feel my moods pulled into them"

i dont want to be just an afterthought

2011-03-26T20:04:00.000+10:30

been shedding my summer skin in the rain

been hurling your words back up

glued to my bathroom floor

i am in two minds about everything

either gonna quit this or go all out

ever present question - whimper or bang

maybe i'll just finally earn this bad reputation

all the hate on my name is getting heavy

you know how it sounds wrong rolling off your tongue

i am pretty sure i am going to drop off the edge of the earth

not that you would notice

id rather chase tequila than apologies

i want to reduce the world to a speck like me

swim like a red blood cell in your veins

i'll hold out on the stormy seas

i was always an on the rocks kind of girl

"i hope you die, i hope we both die"

"what happened to you, man?" "i had my throat cut, and all my friends abandoned me."

2011-03-25T18:20:00.005+10:30

i hope the planet blows up and we all die.

"she only sleeps when its raining"

2011-03-21T22:41:00.000+10:30

mercurial blood. the supermoon got me a little crazy i guess. just wanted to lay on the hood of my car and watch the stars mock us. maybe howl a little with you. currently preoccupied with trying to glue my eyelids shut for more than a few hours at a time. head drug heavy tongue pill numb. i used to have a great speech about metaphorical armour memorised for when cupid shoots arrows but i drank it out.kicking moon rocks on my home planet. fucking certifiable. i only dream of the worst things my imagination can come up with. and i hope i get stuck in a torrential downpour tomorrow. "and the rains gonna wash away what i believe in".

what did twenty-twenty ever get me?

2011-03-09T00:16:00.001+10:30

cocking a revolver for another round of russian roulette. i spit bullets and he is always in the line of fire. its kind of sick in that capulet and montague kind of way. he doesnt know how to drop a line but i dont care. i dont know how to dance slow but he doesnt care. melanie doane playing softly in the background but his heartbeat thuds against my fingertips, slow and deliberate. he is deliberate but far from slow. we have been through wars, me and him. love has put us through the wringer. he has tasted my blood. we have met and left and met and left. every time we come back to each other with fresh bruises and flush veins, triumphantly hollow. he says "there is a hell for people like you". i tell him "i'll reserve a room for two". he always matches the right caliber bullets for my gun. but he always has a knife close to my spine. yet swaying in his arms the pads of his fingertips dig into the small of my back and i do not fear for my life. in the blackest glares we still see stars in each others eyes. now if only either of us were to exist.

it all looks like the endor fucking moon to me.

2011-03-07T23:01:00.000+10:30

im no fashionista but i hear hope is a good look.

2011-02-24T21:08:00.000+10:30

your new faces bring me to life
fresh blood in your veins
racing with true love and big dreams and neon lights
i am strung out on it -
all the potential
this year, our youth,
we are still relatively blank canvases
miles to go and so much unmarked skin

they are teens going on thirty
you are ageless
they lick their wounds
you polish your scars
they exist
you live

take me home id rather die than be with you

2011-02-21T01:08:00.000+10:30

being close to someone is knowing when they change cologne. true love is knowing my coffee order. i am missing stormy days and grey weather more than ever. and people like me are going extinct, im sure. in love with pulses and the blood rush. club setting your teeth are the only thing not meant to be grinding right now. also gears but whos counting. you would put together love like it came from ikea if you could. and i tried to breathe new life into you but theres only so much air in my lungs. truth is i would bleed for anything that got me remembered. i get that youre seasick and i swear i miss home too but my knees havent buckled yet and i dont believe in a silver band. oh dont you dare blame it on my mercury blood. i see you like old stars still shining but all burned out long ago. losing track of the years but not the faces. perfect recall. down like the turn of your pretty little mouth.

"all that is gold does not glitter
not all those who wander are lost"

i want to drink with tolkein in the afterlife.

just because i crunched the numbers on love doesnt mean i have all your answers.

2011-02-03T23:57:00.002+10:30

how did we get here?
when did the veins in my hands start to show?
knuckles clenched white
hair a mess
half undressed
at war with the sheets of my bed
movie montages skimming through my head
bad dreams pulling at the seams
but at the end of the day we're all pretty okay
in that roundabout kind of way.

like everybody else, i just need some sleep.

you can keep investing in me

2011-01-24T22:43:00.002+10:30

but baby im telling you, the stocks are gonna crash someday.

you want it you got it.

2011-01-13T10:50:00.000+10:30

struggle on the inside. contradictory, contrarily, conflicting, confusing, confounding. the seas have it and im just clinging to driftwood with my fingertips bruised and bloody. the titanic is good from the right view point you know. desperately skimming over every conversation trying to re-write my words. the little things. "good night" "see you later" etc. cant get it right, cant smooth talk my way inside their heads. suavity F. i used to bite my tongue because i was always saying things you didnt want to hear. strange how times change. but in truth im tired of massaging all your egos, tired of assuring you, tired of the weight of you and your hopes on top of me. i used to write pretty and then it all went ugly. flying south for the winter without the flock and if it wasnt raining so heavy id tell you we're in hell.

case note: i dont know who im more sick of being around for right now - you or me.

closer

2010-12-19T20:58:00.000+10:30

another blank night of whispered messages wrapped up in code
subconscious you may be the death of me
walking over corpses behind my eyelids
she pulled piranha teeth from my hand
while he held the other tight and i bit my lip blood red
even though there were four of us on that cliff top in my head
last nights images danced in front of my eyes all day
the vacant looks and bad moods are nothing to do with you
just couldnt break out of my head for more than a minute
as usual, dear planet, sorry.

please send all mail to the bedroom floor.

2010-12-18T01:11:00.000+10:30

the idea that i am just a flicker in peoples lives makes me wonder exactly what im worth. i just cant sleep with this always hanging over me.

we're in a room with an open window and an open door.

2010-12-15T22:24:00.000+10:30

you walk out the door and i jump out the window. thats who we are. im not saying one is better than the other. im just saying that my story is going to be more interesting later.

aside, the world is heavy on my shoulders
misplaced
displaced
i cant keep up with all of you giving/holding back your hearts
the summer of torrential downpours
break me out of this cell
put me away and throw away the key
just take me home, wherever that may be
the sandman lay my weary head down to sleep
the nightmares are old friends; the flashbacks are new enemies
or maybe i just prefer it in the dark
whatever you like to think

what i am thinking at 5am lately: d'you think the canary the cat swallowed and the canary in the gold mine were related at all?

27 days.

2010-12-03T21:15:00.000+10:30

ready to breathe out smoke in a different city
some girls look pretty with a cigarette in their hand -
once upon a time i was told i was one of them
i want to cut loose and do all the bad things.
if you want to hold me back i will leave you behind
in hot dark clubs without a lead to follow
i need something new in my veins to feel alive
this does not mix with working 6 days a week
a second away from fainting or screaming while i bite my tongue
"if buffy could do doublemeat palace"
then again buffy was a super hero with people who loved her and could save her with a cheque
"make a wish for more than this"
i have no idea what ive been fighting for.

florence and the machine

2010-12-01T22:52:00.000+10:30

breathe new smoke into my lungs
the things i dont write about eat at my insides but i still dont want to share them with you.
i'll let you know when i figure out who i want to be for the week.
i am glad there are still sunshine and smiles in peoples lives.
i am grateful for what i have.
but in this moment there is not a conversation i want to be a part of.
nothing i want to say
nothing i want to hear
i just want to stay in bed and learn dead languages and dream of having a puppy.

sweet dreams/good morning.

"I don't know what you could possibly expect under this condition."

2010-11-30T20:24:00.001+10:30

I am crushed. Small. Curled up at the bottom of the shower still wearing the skin tight jeans and bra I slept in last night; I'm not sure why I should bother taking my clothes off anymore. The water beats heavy on my shoulders and my hands clutch a cup of coffee like it will save my life. It probably will. But the day has already beaten me and the sun is not yet up. I woke in an all too familiar panic; details forgotten but the resonance of a nightmare still pulsing through my veins; air heaving in and out of tired lungs. The energy it takes to do anything more than let the shower throw down water at me is too much. Separate parts of me see this entirely differently: part of me is thinking what a pretty picture this would make from just the right angle; part of me wishes someone would witness this moment of complete submission; part of me is eternally grateful that no one ever sees this. Most of me is working up the resolve to take on another day. I fumble for my pulse, feel it throb weakly under my fingertips, let my hand slip back to circle my coffee cup. I am semi-convinced this is entirely in my head and I will wake up any minute to my real life. Sometimes this revelation sends chilling fear down my spine. Other times, it leaves hope thrumming under my skin. At 5am in my soaking jeans I am all but praying for this to be a vivid hallucination. Fiction made up in my head like I supposedly do best. In truth I am probably best at caving in at the bottom of my shower. They don't know this. But when I think about it, I could write a book on the things about me they don't know. And really, I am, aren't I?

dutch courage is so two weeks ago (its not all about you)

2010-11-26T01:36:00.000+10:30

strike the deal
sink the ship
this kevlar heart
these bullets swimming under my skin
that gun fits perfectly in the curves of our hips
pressed together in the back of an ambulance
with meaningless words crashing out of my mouth
i dream of my back scraping brick walls under your weight
because you know violence is the only way through the haze
"do you want to fight or do you want to fuck?"
i always talked better with my fists anyway
because lets face it:

your blood would look real good on my teeth

your legs would look real good in my sheets

and losing the plot looks good with your makeup still on

give and take

2010-11-23T08:11:00.000+10:30

is anyone who they say they are?
in truth, i dont think i would be interested if you were.

tell me im still pretty with these bloodshot eyes.

2010-11-20T07:21:00.000+10:30

everything on this planet is filtered, myself included.
invisible people breathing down my neck
i loved you once - "i used to like your smile once"
head pounding guts heaving no sleep bad dreams
this is me (n)ever
i am more tied up in knots about everything than usual
thoughts reverberating again and again

but really, tell me im still pretty with these bloodshot bruises-carved-under eyes.

in all seriousness.

2010-11-19T16:56:00.000+10:30

when i write about you i dont usually mean "you". when i write about her its always her.

"she brought a bazooka to a gun fight. i brought a knife."

2010-11-17T23:28:00.002+10:30

she can catch me off guard

she can throw my mind off track

she can slide under my skin

i could steal her breath
pull the nighttime out from her
show her the stars flat on her back
write commitments on her spine in black ink
where she cant read them and i wont let anyone else either
"with the lights off its less dangerous"
just falling into each other to drown in someone else
looking at you through heavy lids in half light
would this be what it is if we werent falling apart?
she is either the antidote or the catalyst to all my toxins
she is smoke in my lungs
she is the home run.

purple teeth.

2010-11-17T16:33:00.003+10:30

and people do whatever i want
either the spotlight is on me or im not even in the scene
i hate the idea of explaining the same as i hate the idea of you not understanding
i dont care too much about you except when it relates to me
or when something more than blood is flooding my veins
we're running out of oxygen
but i learned to live off carbon dioxide
watch you choke (back things you never say)
but like i said, i never cared much anyway
you know the persians kissed equals on the mouth and superiors on the cheek
and we all know what the slope of your neck means

i hate the feeling of my finger off the trigger

hollywood broke me (in)

2010-11-05T03:18:00.000+10:30

your life in the spotlight
every second on stage: this movie of your life
could you be the actor playing yourself
they all know you, they all know you so well
better than you know yourself
made up to make out
"not even hell could be hotter than you right now"
everything that is you came from the silver screen
self-edited to include all the complexes you love best
your heart versus the rest
and your back and knees dont get to give out
just yet.

"it's an awful sight to see just me in the mirror"

2010-10-28T21:05:00.000+10:30

its the way sheets rustle against your skin and you wish you werent the only person between them. your hair skimming your shoulder and crossing your fingers it might be a secret from behind embrace from someone who doesnt exist. rolling over with your head on the pillow and your arm stretched out for a person who not only isnt there but never was. then rolling your eyes at your own lack of life. because you're spending longer and longer every morning trying to come up with a reason for you to let your feet hit the floor and haul your body out of bed for the day. i dont know about anyone else but i could never ever live for just myself. i am the worst reason for everything. i am content to stay swamped among empty sheets and blankets and pillows forever if there is noone left for me to exit my safe haven for. i need someone who is an incentive to both stay in bed and stay out of it if you know what i mean. i pay everyone in undying loyalty and a free viewing of this titantic life. her royal skin and his perfect teeth. maybe its all down to your bone structure. and your heavy heart and your breaking back. probably i am just into car crashes which is why i am so sick of those who travel at 10 kmph. i am veering all over the place at 120 and it just brings me down to watch you in my rearview mirror when you could be in the passenger seat. sure we might get in a crash or two but when youre hitched to the cute parademic with 2.5 kids and a white picket fence i'll accept your thank you's.

in all truth its just another night and i need to write so i dont go crazy with being so lonely. noone ever calls and im too damn proud to ever pick up the phone. like i would even know what to say. it's always the wrong person on the other line anyway.

i am pretty sure i am not good at anything that involves me having to get out of bed.

does anybody even read this any more (apart from her)?

2010-10-22T23:01:00.000+10:30

wrote a record amount this month. from three weeks ago untitled:

two fingers pressed to a pulse ready to breeze past the quarter mile

a hand to your chest

heart thudding against splayed fingertips

trying to pull the life out of your veins

a light to keep me warm when the world gets so big i cant so much as move

glued to the bed i couldnt ever sleep in

can i have the nightmares back, please?

(its lonely without them/you on my mind)

the hours you spend sleeping i spent brooding alone

i wonder how often anyone actually thinks about that

the hours and hours and hours alone with myself

god forbid i should ever sleep.

i am writing a new story, based on the song "Self-Conclusion" by The Spill Canvas. it is mostly about me and her. i am writing a song about her when nobody is listening. she may end up being the most faithful and true person i ever knew. i do not know how i feel about anything.

"there are words carved in my chest and they said... 'could somebody show me the kind of affection that you only see in the movies. you know what i mean.'"

you all know what i mean.

2010-10-20T21:01:00.001+10:30

taking the game of solitary to whole new levels
the planet spins and i watch it slow when they are all asleep
practicing zombie state and my customer service smile
my head swims with new information, new obligations
you dont want me
work through the summer behind a counter to escape this city the next time 'round
"they didn't help me. i didn't need their help" "i dont need you or anybody else"
I get violent with the silver screen lately
waving whatever flag is convenient
ready to kick the next month and do nothing but work, read, and write
they dont want me
i dont need them
i am a tempest in a tea cup
but some things are worth weathering the storm

2010-10-11T19:58:00.002+10:30

we will meet in a coffee shop and you will watch me sip a chai latte until i notice you and i will try to give you a shy smile but probably just end up looking very very angry.

you move into my apartment without discussion because you know that i have to have everything in its place and i dont like change. you dont mind that sometimes i stay up all night because i think maybe if i go to sleep you wont be there or i wont wake up.

i couldnt sleep if you paid me.

2010-10-08T03:53:00.000+10:30

nothing to say though. just that insomnia is a rabbit hole and sometimes i climb out for a while and then i fall right back on in. spinning my way to the bottom. i am unsure about everything in my life at this point in time. myself and other people too. everything feels like it is being tracked and watched. i hate being in public because it feels like everyone is looking at me. my stomach churns and my fists clench. that is it. continuing to lose myself in others peoples fiction since the whole of this year i have been unable to write anything worthwhile of my own. my television is my greatest friend and my greatest adversary. i am taking brooding to new levels. please keep the old ones warm.

interesting quote i read earlier today:

"she may want a martini, but make her drink tea." - Alice Taylor.

cant i just have both?

"what's wrong?"

2010-10-07T22:59:00.000+10:30

"i'm eighteen years old, ______, everything is wrong."

the best conversations ive ever had have been in my head. rolling off my fingertips onto the keyboard. therapy sessions with no one else documented every second.

my feet hit the floorboards as i pace. worry. my head ticking overtime. practising batting my eyelashes for the next escapade in my life. "sometimes you have to break a heart to unbreak your own" but you know thats just an excuse i like to use from time to time. ive got a count on how many people i can kiss and leave behind.

online me and walking talking zombie me are so far apart. its killing me them getting together like this. too bad i officially relinquished the rights to call anyone else a whore a long time ago.

when i was 16 and felt like nobody really got me, i thought it was just because i was 16. now im nearly 19 and im thinking it may not be just because im nearly 19.

it is not safe inside my head. i am scared always.

from the barrel of a gun:

2010-10-03T22:48:00.002+10:30

bruises bloom like flowers on my ribs

tonight is a good night for a fist fight

i need a leash not a silver band

my heart: the canary in the coal mine

fluttering still against the bruises feather light

the nighttime overdramatic type

wishing for wounds just to get stitched up

and maybe walk with a wince for a while

shrugging me off

"she said she said "why dont you just drop dead?""

he dries his cried out eyes with her tshirts

like its the most natural thing in the world

watching true love from under hooded lids with hazy eyes

blushing the brightest green i ever saw

all of them asking the same thing under their skin:

"what's it going to take to strike a spark?"

file under "notes to people who dont exist"

2010-09-30T22:21:00.000+09:30

my veins are a map and you are charging straight for my heart
reciting my symptoms on stage and crossing fingers for the part
i am a maze and you are not trailing every left;
spinning around in circles until you're out of breath
every word between us still stuck in my chest
'i love you' makes more sense than the rest
i want to make your bones hum, if you'll let me
crawl inside your skin and make you see:
life is nothing more than the right place and the right time
two atoms colliding together, see em shine
just for a second and then the moments gone again
this is an open letter to come burn with me
maybe i live in hell but i still have a spare key
for the person who can take the heat.

"if life's a beach, bury me in a sandcastle."

2010-09-26T00:43:00.000+09:30

had a match count of my mistakes in the past few years
if we ever duke it out on screw ups you know i got this
people are experiments; i am the best scientist to ever exist
my ego speaks more than i ever do/did
rolling off my tongue - everything you ever wanted to hear
until i got you in the palm of my hand
and i can clench my fist tighter than anyone
my body is a tool the same as my voice
i just know how to use it better than you do
truth is i dont care too much about anything or anyone
its just so easy to make you think what i want you to think
everything i dont say well planned the same as everything i do
every tear forced down my cheek because i want to see how it affects you
oh yeah im crazy,
but,
don't i do a great job of it?

solo a me l'amore.

2010-09-23T01:18:00.000+09:30

please dance with me. slide into a waltz so slow that nothing exists but the beats of our hearts and the breath left in our chests. call me at one o'clock in the morning when you know im not sleeping. i didnt believe in holding hands when i was sixteen but now i definitely do. kiss me in the rain like in the movies. you dont have to read my books or watch my films; just understand how much they mean to me. please be able to tell the days when its raining inside my head. just bring me a cup of coffee, kiss me on the forehead and tell me there will be better days.

all anyone wants is to be loved. i am truly just anyone.

my head is a prison; someone please break me out (aka conjugal visits just arent enough)

2010-09-18T22:32:00.000+09:30

this life in the dark is not like the movies or the songs or anything else i obsess over
there is no music of the night here
just the sound of false prayers hummed into pillows
tears and crocodiles splashed onto sheets
tossing and turning every second time steals away from me
my heart coughed and spluttered and just went out
not fighting; it just curled up and whimpered and we were done
waved every flag we knew and went home
there are two kinds of people in this world:
people who live their lives
people who watch the other people
i dont want to be a watcher

"dov'è il tuo christine?"

2010-09-16T20:54:00.001+09:30

I have decided that everything sounds better in latin or italian

or maybe i just dont want to speak the same language as you anymore

gotta feel bad to feel good

gotta feel good to feel bad

me and this vicious cycle running circles around each other
were both just so into the chase

i want to drink scotch and hang out on the bathroom floor

please tell me you do too

because to be perfectly honest,

everything is falling down and for once im not thriving on it

the trouble with all my secrets is that im scared that without them i'll feel empty.

i dont think there is anything else inside except blood and guts and a hell of a lot of resentment.

nothing is ever like what youd think.

except - i am so far gone.

dove è il mio fantasma?

memento mori

2010-09-14T22:40:00.002+09:30

the home-front is world war 3

i am shutting my eyes very tight and pretending its going to be okay

i make mountains out of molehills to climb with my friends

but i am climbing the real mountains at night by myself

no oxygen

no anaesthetic

i am wishing for strangers always

because none of my friends know me in the way that lets me call or turn up on their doorstep

why did i make such a brilliant mask

now it is all i have

"evey, please" with no evey because "who could ever learn to love a beast"?

i fear for my life always

2010-09-13T16:40:00.001+09:30

i like you but i'd like a revolver better.

2010-09-12T10:26:00.002+09:30

circa may - alvin maker's greensong

2010-09-11T21:00:00.000+09:30

i shot my veins with self-loathing and then some.

respect is the only thing given not sold.

you have none of mine and i'll have none of yours

(if we're doing this right).

summer got caught under your eyelids

waiting to be pried out again when i am done feeling blue and alone

walking in the rain is my favourite thing in the world

like being broken down

you are the fuck me red lipstick smudged on the edge of the glass of life

got a silver tongue but gold carat teeth taste better

reading the ice in your scotch like tea leaves

"fuck your futures"

constantly trying to talk myself out of the very things i talk myself into

if i look enough like her can i be her?

i love the things i hate because i hate them

like seeing everyone young and in love.

hearts swollen in chests

cupid is a bee sting

and love is all the buzz

i am a moth or a fly on the wall

the addicted type

wringing the phone around your neck to leave voicemails to people who dont exist

when i stopped believe in white knights i started believing tequila.

2010-09-09T22:03:00.002+09:30

think you and me on the pier on a sunday morning
like in the photographs
(why werent we a photograph?)
we were toxins to each other, you and me
burning each other up on the inside
"what will it take to strike a spark?"
yeah we struck a spark fuck it we torched the whole place
inside my ribs
neither of us were very good anywhere that was out of bed
winter love in the heat of bad screamo shows
and the most eyeliner and hairspray ive worn in my entire life
all i had to do was rest my head on your shoulder and you were mine
it was too easy
i am so sick of making people fall in love with me
i want to fall in love back

"i will never end up like him; behind my back i already am"

2010-09-04T00:51:00.001+09:30

spring rainstorm is doing everything but washing my worries away. funny how i can spend all my time by myself and then suddenly loneliness hits like a train gone off the rails. cant sleep with the drugs cant sleep without the drugs so i hunch over this keyboard in a blacked out room telling the story of the girl who cried wolf.

stopped believing in people the day i realised noone is ever going to save me
stopped believing in god the day i realised i am just like my father
could your heart fall out of your chest
i know you think i think with my crotch but
all i dream lately are hands on shoulders and fingers running through hair in summer lying on the grass meaning something to someone
meaning, what is that?
my life has meaning if only through you;
you reading this and refreshing for updates on how well our insides match
that day i was 16 and i fell in love with you was the best and worst of my life
now we're friends who dont call or write and i miss my life being about unrequited love
being about something other than me
it is so easy to be sick of yourself (head resting on cool tiles on a bad morning)
all this one on one time gets to me but i dont know how to be anything else
please someone drop into my life so i try to figure someone else out
line in my head lately: "i am human and i need to be loved, just like everybody else does"

thanks for the tip morrissey now i feel lonelier than ever.